The Battle Against the GW Imperiumby the UGW Guestbook MembersGreetings, I am Wrathe Daemonfoe, Warleader of the former Silver League Army, known as Wrathe's Avengers. Today this stalwart group of warriors voted to become the core of the new Homeworlds Resistance and Reclaimation Force. We will remain Wrathe's Avengers, for now we truely have something to avenge. The forces of the Imperial Administration have invaded our homes. The Administratum, our longtime friends, have suddenly and viciously turned on us. We have been through this before. We have survived. We can expect little help, though any who wish to assist will be welcome. We will survive. The forces confronting us are vast. They number beyond count. We will triumph. Let the call go forth: ALL SQUAT FORCES. JOIN THE RESISTANCE. OUST THE IMPERIAL MENACE. But remember: Stay true to who you are. You are the people they disparagingly call Squats. Let their insult become their greatest fear. Let the name Squat be feared even more than the names of the "Gods" of Chaos!!! Thank you. Wrathe Daemonfoe
Wrathe Daemonfoe: Greetings! We must stand united against the evil genocide of the GW Imperium, led by those xeno-bigot Commissar Lords Johnson and Pirinen. They would enslave our Holds and steal our precious resources! They would destroy our people and write in their chronicles that we never were! The evil GW Imperium has published a Declaration that their are no Squats or Squat Holdworlds. Their evil propaganda is designed to convince the sentient races that we never existed! We must stand firm! They have even published a scurulous propaganda that we are somehow Orks (#$!%#%~^%$@!!!!!). The perfidity of the GW Imperium will NOT go unpunished! Battle Brothers, sharpen your Axes, and clean your guns, as we go to War against the Evil Foe! Down with the Genocidal GW Imperium! -Warlord Ragnar Lothbrok of the Trondheim
Warlord Lothbrok: Mayhaps we should break open the stores of weapons WE deemed too .... hazardous to allow the Imperium to study. Wrathe
Yeah! We're with you short guys! Bring our lame wet/hairy/4-legged asses back! The Slaan, Jokaero, and Zoat Confederation of the Galaxy
We shall assssssist you Ssssquat Warriorsssss!!! The Emperors foolsss have refussssed to admit the exisssstance of our broodssss too....in the end the hivemind shall have all...but the different flavorssss of bio-material are nice....hisssssssss.........in the meantime we acolites worship the hive. Praissse the Patriarch!!!! ..hisssss..... Followers of the 6-limbed gods
All Squat forces!!! I heed your call to battle, and will flock to your banner, becoz squats r cool!!! I will help becoz I have a Dwarf army in WFB, so why not in 40K? I would much rather have an army of stumpy drunk maniacs than some pussy 'pirates'. I have to ask - why would pirates attack an ARMY?????? If DE are in it for material possesions wot do they get from attacking armies??? Slaanesh worshipping, pre-fall eldar would of been better...and why should GW bring in new armies when they can't be bothered updating the old??? "We shall stand united....." SlaYeR
Mordian Guard, Blue Company, Red Platoon - Johnsons Wolves, we must stand up and fight, but not the short ones, We fight for the short ones. Arrroooogggghhhh! Vor cha Nagash adda gosh Lord of Undeath
Not all of the Imperium of Mankind follows the genocidal policies of the Administratum. You may consider the scattered forces of Valhallan IV to support your cause and lend you any aid we are able. Sice our repeated contacts with chaotic forces led by the great changer of the ways we have been deemed unfit to remain part of the Imperial command. Aided by the unnamed Inquisitor that first alerted us to this menace we have been able to escape the Exterminatus that we now know avaited us. The Emperor of Mankind may still be our righteous leader but we feel that the Administratum led by Lord Johnson have corrupted His true Legacy. Let it then be known that we are not, and will never be, enemies of the squat homeworlds. Captain "Lucky Bastard" Beritj of the Valhallan IV Beth 666
Squat warlords: The Chaos legions of Deadlar are behind you in your quest for identity. Of cousre we do have our own reasons for wanting this, another force weaking the Imperium of man will make things so much easier for us......... Deadlar
Above the planet Earth, a large, menacing Black Hulk (NOT the web site!!) hovered over the small Island of 'England'. And on this Island, the commanders of the GW Imperium were huddled round a small holodisplay, plotting thier next diabolical move. Commissar Pirinen was eating some cheese. "I... I have an idea. So nefarious in its conception, so delightfully evil, it could bring us millions!" spoke High Lord Jervis. All other ears in the room listened to what he said next. Jervis paused for effect, and noticed the pleasingly diabolical shadows cast up his face from the holodisplay. "This idea could bring us untold wealth. A while ago, I was experimenting with some DNA I'd found on my travels in the Segmentum Obscurus. I began to toy, very evily of course, with this DNA. And do you know what I created?" Light glimmered in his eye. "A middle-class pre-adolescant male! Bwaahahaha!" The others in the room joined in too, all laughing maniacally. "Yes, brothers! He may be annoying, have no concept of how to paint, and take forever to roll a sing D6, but his parents will buy him immense quantities of our goods! Bwahahahaha!" The others calmed down, and Pirinen, in between a mouthful of Red Leicster, said "Yes, Lord Jervis! Your most nefariously diabolical scheme yet!", and they all laughed some more. Meanwhile, on the Black Hulk, the Chaos Lord known only as Despoiler was in dismay. He did not want hordes of 12 year olds screaming around on the battlefield! He said to the others; "They can commit mass genocide on the Squats. They can double the price of their goods. They can even make our stats so pathetic that cockroaches become fearsome contenders. But they should've never, never, ever commit almighty blasphemy by recruiting mindless hordes of young folk, whilst then discriminating against those of an older mind!" And as the Despoiler spoke, other Battle Barges pulled into orbit, for example the twisted arc of the Dan Wichlover, the fine barge of Warlord Ragnar, and many others. Jervis and Pirinen laughed. Pieces of cheese flew out of Pirinens mouth. "They... they think they can destroy us! Ahh hahahaha!" Jervis snapped his fingers. A loud mechanical whirr accompanied vast armies of soldiers (and 12 year olds with shopping carts and parents, armed to the teeth with cheaquebooks, Credit cards, debit cards, cash, etc.) appeared all around the palace of GW. Indeed, it would be a tough battle. Despoiler
Ya forgettin da ULK ov da boss kalled "Siffsporn" an its got lots ov ded shooty bits an all dese big gunz an millyunz ov boyz ta kill da umy kiddiez!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA cya all, all that I am and all I'll ever be 's a brain in a body....... Siff
The dreadnaught Deadlar led his black legionaires towards the HQ of GW. As the manic slavering chaos warriors crested the hill and saw the prepubescant hordes awaiting them they paused and for the first time in many mellium Deadlar knew fear. Deadlar
Despoiler looked from his balcony in the loading deck. All in front of him, he saw thousands upon thousands of his troops climb into their drop pods. An entire company of Black Legionnaires... but a fraction of the legion, even. But a company was a company, and a Black Legion company was double size of an entire Space Marine chapter! Soon Pirinen and Jervis would feel the wrath of the exiled Black Legion. News had come through the High Sorcerer that a company Word Bearers he had commanded long ago during the Heresy would once again march under his banner. The forces of Chaos undivided came to Despoiler as Cheese came to Pirinen. Despoiler
SlaYeR's Iron Warriors and newly recruited Iron Guard (from Morida!!) will march under Abbadon's banner, even tho he is kinda cheesey ;) We march for freedom, for the reinstating of the squats, the driving off of the small boys, for chaos, and that luuuverrllyyy green plant, u know, u roll it and u smoke it and u .... ummmm ... oooopssss ..... I mean for flowers yes...flowers.....errr, did i mention for squats??!! SLaYeR
I am however aware that GW HAS been responsible for this false propaganda,a ideia to make dark elves just another chaos army!And this is why i Dan Witchlover will march with all of you into war for the rights of squats,the return of Slann,the destruction of the GW hulk,and the return of the real white dwarf!Not that impostor!he´s really the white dwarfs´evil comunist brother,red dwarf! Dan Witchlover
Wrathe/ragnar/the confederation/followers of 6 limbed gods/lord of undeath/Beth666/sithspawn/deadlar/despoiler/slayer:i´ll let my withch elves do the fighting though!I´ll encourage you with folk songs: "this squat is your squat Dan Witchlover
Despoiler charged through the prepubescant horde. Their cheap Beanos and Dandy's were no match for his gigavolt lightning claws. He laughed as swathes of the little buggers were cut down. He reached a large building with a few of his entourage of Terminators of the Black Legion. It had a large sign on it, "Cheese Makery". It had obviously been written by someone not native to this land, and, judging by the immense proportions of the building, some who liked their cheese very much. One word struck Despoiler in the face. It fell to the floor, and Despoiler picked it up and read it. Pirinen! He ordered his Legionnaires to converge on this spot. By hook or crook, Pirinen would pay for the blasphemy that is the Realm of Chaos, Mordien (sp) city of the damned, and the High Elf book among others. Meanwhile, the battle was being fought with brave souls like Beth666, Deadlar, Thanos, etc etc etc. How would they fare? (hint hint...) Despoiler
:....kshzzz...ksszhhh...heavy static....kshzzz...contact?....kshzzzzz....damn!.... Beth 666
My Squat Stronhold stands to aid all fellow Brothers, any grudges are cast aside, except for clan Gammi Vorkshops. My Cyclops' Hellfuries are primed and the Goliath Super-Heavy Howitzers are fully loaded. The Land Trains groan with the wieght of our Battlecars, and the Colussus are prepared to crush those in our way. The Imperium shall know fear! Viv la revolution! Belgarion
MUSINGS OF THE DARK ONE The Dark 0ne perched high above the ceasless din of the
battlefield, his weight precariously balanced upon the crumbling roof covering the decayed
tower. Through the cracks underneath, row upon row of disused 40k siege equipment could be
seen. "One must admire the foresight of Lord Johnsson" he muttered grimly into
his com-link "If sieges were still allowed in the 41:st century the Despoiler would
have breached the walls already". The answer came quickly, carried by a swift burst
of static. "Fear not for the Despoiler, brother. He may still follow the misguided
fool Abaddon, but the powers of Horus flow in him as in all of us." The com-link fell
quiet for a moment letting the enraged screams of the pre-teens below fill the air as they
launched a vicious counter attack. The Dark One slapped the com-link against the knee of
his midnight power armour and it sputtered to life again. "....would you like High
Lord Johnson's career to be terminated?" The Dark One shook his head, grinning widely
beneath his helmet. Despite countless years of loyal service to the Cause, the
indoctrinations of the administratum still ran deep inside the once assassin. "You
have free hands my friend. Feel no need to make it quick. Lord Johnson has a lot to answer
for." The com-link once again went silent, static drowned by the howlings of the
wounded below. "One can wonder if Lord Johnson realised the true extent of the powers
of his creations", he mused ." Or perhaps he simply could not forsee that this
very power could be turned against himself." Rising carefully to his feet he let his
black robes unfurl into the wind. "Fear the wrath Lord Johnson," he whispered
towards the dark walls of the Nottingham Fortress. "The Eye of Horus has turned
towards thee. This time you truly will reap what you have sown."
All: The the Sword of Sanguinis dropped out of the warp and
appeared of the holy land of Terra, the lights of the Emperor's eyes(radar) flashed
brighter than anyone had seen since the seige at Armageddon. A battle fleet huge ominously
around the sacred rock of man. Ancient enemies, hated enemies. There was no time for past
grudges. Only to forfill the calling. For all Blood Angels hade the gift of sight beyond
sight. It was the greatest all of Sanguinis' gifts to his chapter. Brother Captain Eivan
knew what must be done. His beloved Chater had been called heretics. Not trusted. On the
verge of exterminatus for the failings of the Thirst. Now the fools would se firsthand
what the true meaning of the thirst is! Tech Priest Abnamius, have your orderlies bless
the drop pods with the sacred ointments. We shall rain death upon the false administratum.
Though the Emperor rests his fists never tire!!". Captain Eivan spoke over the comm
link" Brothers, the task ahead of us is great. Some call us heretics. But by
Sanguinis I swear our cause is just! This false Adminstratum shall feel our wrath. They
shall pay for their heresies. The time of reckoning is here. Let it be know!". The
company entered their dropo pods and prepared to bring death to the false Administratum.
As the pods dropped away from the Sword of Sanguinis, the battle brother were in prayer to
their Emperor and their Primarch. THe pods hit the firmament of the sacred rock with a
loud thud. There was a hiss as the door to the pod opened. It dropped with a clang. The
Blood Angels were upon them. Brother Captain Eivan knew it would be a difficult task, but
nothing could have prepared him for this. A thousand years he had been a servant of the
Emperor and he had not seen like like of the battle that raged around the Mile high pillar
of the Administratum. The Fallen ones, Orks, Ancient enemies once calles brothers
assaulted the Pillar. Th west side was open, why? He had no time to waste,"Chaplain
Malarion, The Death Company with me. To the air. We assault the west wall!". THe
Captain and the Death Company landed 20 meters from the hugh doors on the west wall.
Something was afoot. The doors flung open and out poored in hordes the foul servants of
the Administratum. They were grotesque , pimped faced whelps by the tons. There seemed to
be women and gangly manthings as well. They opened fire upon the Brothers with what seemed
to be cheese guns. One struck a marine and started to eat through his armour! "To the
fore. The cleansing time is upon us Brothers!!". Far above the battle Inquisitor
Jervis and his scribe Pirien laughed, Mawhahahaha, Mwahahahaha. "they shall never
defeat our "Ill Tempered teens and they mislead parents! Mwahahahaha,
mwahahaha........
Lord Commander Karl von Mannstein looked on as the Blood
Angels fell descended from the sky, guns seeming to be on fire from the sheer volume of
destruction being aimed at the Inquisitor-turned-heretic's fortress. Just before the Blood
Angels touched down, Mannstein turned to his aide, "Order a rolling barrage, starting
at the walls, and closing around the temple. Increase the guns elevation by one degree
after each shot to allow the Space Marines to advance. Once our shells fall on the temple,
keep up the barrage for five minutes, then send in the first and second infantry
regiments, acoompanied byt the first armor regiment." Without hesitation, the aide
turned to the gunnery captains and repeated the Lord Commanders instructions.
Terra!!! The holy planet of the Imperial throne, the founding
world of humanity, the mightiest fortress in the galaxy, slowly proceeded in its orbit
around it's yellow star...safe under the protection of myriads of starships, defense
batteries and psychic shielding. No force will ever again assail this bastion of
tyranny!!!
As the battered battle barge Serpent Fang, assumed orbit
in the proximity of the Depoilers flagship, Lord Atraikius waited in front of his
holoscreen awaiting the Despoiler to answer his hail, absent mindedly scratching his pet
caducus serpens, Venom, between the eyes.
Despoiler realised the battle was going badly. Yes, many
forces had rallied under the anti-gw imperium banner, but the overpowering forces of
Middle-class parents and little kiddy-kins was too great for even the mightiest warriors.
However, Despoiler was still at the gates of the mighty walls of the "Cheese
Makery".
MUSINGS OF THE DARK ONE
The battle raged on. Thousands of the little ones, known as
12 year olds, swarmed around the thunderhawk, Smothered Hope. Their beedy eyes looked
longily at the the massive guns on the Warlord's ship. They dropped their weapons to grasp
at the magnificent ship. Never before had they seen one of these legendary ships. Most had
no knowledge of what it was. All they knew was that they wanted it. They moved forward.
Brother Captain Eivan pulled himself up from the floor. His
body ached from the blow of the foul creature before him. All seemed lost. Even Brother
Ancient Bethios could not stop these spawns of Nottingham. There was a momentary silence
in the room. Time seemed to stand still. A bright flash, the den of battle resumed. At
Eivan's feet lay a box. A small rectangular box. What could it be. The furry yellow death
approached, yet he could not take his eyes of the box. He quickly grasped it and inspected
it. It had a women on it, a nude women. A woman whom he had never seen the likes of
before. Perhaps never again. There was ancient writing, he found it famaliar. Ancient
Gothic. The once tongue of Terra old, now the forsaken language of Slannesh. It said
Traci, Traci Lor.., in Nymph.. He could not make out the rest. Something whispered to him.
He tried to resist, but could not. "Use the weapon I have given you. Use it
now!" the voice in his head spoke. He raised it as the furry yellow death barelled
down upon him. Upon seeing it, the beast stopped and screamed a scream of death. It fell
to the floor and grasped at it's eyes. "The horror, tee hee, the horror!" Eivan
did not understand but he engaged the red one, the green, the blue, all fell before the
box. What could it be? The Tech Adepts would have to unlock it's power! The Captain
gathered himself and what remained of his forces and continued his search for the
misguided heretics of the GW cheese factory. "Pirien and Johnson will pay for the
sacred gene seed that has been lost this day. I swear it!"Eivan yelled with his fist
raised to the sky.
"Sir, we have a reading inside the perimeter!" The
mail-order troll looked nervous. The battle was not going well and for the first time he
contemplated his uncertain future. First Warzone, now this. "Thats impossible!"
The Boss Troll strode up to the screens. "The Teletubbies, our most fiersome elite
troops have been unleashed. There should be no resistance left by now!" The troll
huddled over his screens, a glimmer of color catching his attention. "Sir, we have a
confirmation! the reading says...dark Eldar?" The Boss Troll scoffed loudly
"That MUST be incorrect. I have here information from the HIGHEST sources that claim
that there are no fully painted Dark Eldar armies in existance yet! Not even in
Australia!" The trool,nervously scratched himself and checked the readings again.
"The sensors are correct sir, there are Dark Eldar inside the perimeter, Wyches to be
more precise." The room fell silent. "That...that's impossible" the Boss
Troll stuttered. "We made them unatractive on PURPOSE! Who in their right mind will
have anything to do with them?" "Surely...." A transmission interrupted his
nervous babble...
Despoiler was angry. And when Despoiler gets angry, people DIE. He had heard some good news over the comnet. More reinforcements, although not of a Chaotic kind had arrived. The Vladivan XXI had arrived, under the command of Adrian "Fast Bastard" Johnson. They too had grown weary of GWs constant abuse of the older gamer. Some had come to save the squats. Some had come to attack Pirinen. Some had come just for the hell of it. Some had come because there were dirty pictures (courtesy of Thanos) circulating round whole regiments. Despoiler pressed on. The meagre security systems in place
were no match for his dusty Terminator armour. He stumbled into a room, that had many
doors. Suddenly, in the door opposite him, a group of Black Legionnaires under his command
burst through. And then, Blood Angels came through another door! And then, through
another, Valhallans! Witch Elves! Cadians! Space Marines! Squats even! Suddenly Despoiler
realised. They had all been led to this one room! It was a trap! Despoiler howled in
anger, and beat the door with his claws, but to no avail. Even the Dark One, nearby,
looked distressed. And how the hell had Deadlar managed to fit inside!? Suddenly, a loud
whine came from speakers in the room. Truly, the situation looked desperate. How would they escape. They all looked around, worridly. Someone would have to think of a way to get everyone out of this huge many-door room in less than 4 minutes.... The Despoiler has spoken! "Whither Atrophy?"
The multi door room perplexed all trapped within it. The
leaders of the vasts forces within stood in awe of Inquisitor Johnson's use of ill
tempered teens armed with laser beams. What of the over elaborate plan to end the
rebellion. Could he have been underestimated. Captain Eivan tried the box again. Nothing
happened. The witches caught site of it and claimed it was theirs. The Captain had much
too learn of this box still! He could not think of a way out of this must cunning of
traps. The Dark One offered a tube of toothpaste and dental floss. It failed as the box
had. Time was running out. Things looked hopeless. Then one of the Witches stepped foward.
She peared into the monitor next to the vat of boiling cheese above her. She
spoke"Lord of Cheese Jervis behold, I have your most prized possesion!" The comm
link rang out"Witch, you have nothing I desire, well almost nothing!". "Oh,
but I do!"she exclaimed "Would you like to see?"she asked. "You feeble
attempt to save yourself will go unrewarded!"Jervis spat. She reached behind here and
raised up an inflatable sheep! It a dress on with the name Claira on it. Jervis gasped
with dread. "Not my blessed Claira!"he whined. "You may have won for now,
but I promise you, it won't last! Boowahahahahahaha, bwahahahahaha. Commisar Pirien to the
teleporter. We have vengeance to plan!"
INTERLUDE
INTERLUDE II
Divine Fury, exalted champion of Khorne (currently serving
some time with my Iron warriors) had led his faithfull berzerker's to the evil cheese
factory for two reasons, a)Beer b)Those nice little witch elves .... heehee... His squad
were now running rampant through a huge hallway, in search of the missin Pirinen.
"You cheesey mutha f@#ker!!! Khorne will have your skull, personally delivered by
me!!!" A viscious 12 yr old, armed with Mummy's credit card jumped into his way.
Scremeing his fury, Divine Fury lept at the evil youngster, hacking into the credit card,
and snapping it in two. The young boy screamed and vowed to 'Get his big brother onto
you!' Divine simply laughed. THe berzerkers were hacking their way through the measly
little children, but NO!! Out of no where came Tinky-Winky armed with the viscious 'Tinka
Trouble' (count as meltagun - WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO DO DIFFERENT RULES). Khornes
elites were dropping like flies at the hand of Tinky Winky. Divine Fury couln't even close
with the beast, for the cheesey odour was too much, and the swirling beard Tinky Winky
seemed to have grown was as strong a shield as any seen. Divine Fury, brought up on a
staple diet of Edam and Colby, wasn't ready for the odourous onslaught, and was beaten
back. All seemed lost.
Despoiler had enough. No one keeps a 10,000 year old Chaos
Lord entrapped in such a room. And, by golly, least it be by Pirinen and Jervis! Suddenly,
a flash of inspiration came across him...
INTERLUDE III
Despoiler: How old do you think I am? Deadlar
Despoiler held the cheese up high. Suddenly, a large
rat-thing tried to grab it. He struck it with his Daemon blade. Despoiler
The Purple monstrasity and Fatbloke lunged at Deadlar as one. Barney was quickly dispatched with oone swift swipe of his power scourge, the Fat bloke was slowed by the AC rounds hitting him in his extremly enormous midsection. Alas but to no avail the shells were bounce off of the large amount of girth that the Fat Bloke carried. Is it possiable that the Fat one had become so on a diet of cheese? No! deadlar refused to belive so with the proof right in front of his eyes. "This man was once nondairy maybe he can be so again." with this decleration Deadlar brought his power Scourge down atop the Fat blokes head and with a mighty Twang the Fat bloke was rendered useless. As Mr. Sawyer sat around bubbling "No mom I don't wanna go to school yet." Deadlar went once again to begin his search for Longsword. Deadlar
Inquisitor Johnson knew he was beyond protocol. Assaults on the Squat planets were to be conducted by the shattering ramhead of the Scarlet Tears Marine Regiment. He was to be observiing high above the planet, but he enjoyed the wet work to stay away from it. He relished the in-close fighting. Nevertheless, this Regiment would see to his scalding retribution afterwards. The Tears were good enough for this work even though their chaplains would be disciplined for allowing the Primarch to exceed the esteem of the Tears beyond that due to the Emperor. He would have their ears. The Tears were primed and ready for this adventure though. Their last two battles were horrific bloodbaths against the unholy tyranids. He wanted to ride them hard against the Squats, to kill to birds with the same stone, winnow down the reserves of these red-armored madmen, and effect the Solution for the Swats. Eradication of the Squats was the primary mission. He laughed into the Comm set of his helmet. "What, Inquisitor?", asked the Devastator Squad Lieutenant, tasked with securing the zone around the Inquisitor. Few Squats were found on this Homeworld, very few. Most of them were dead, very dead. The Marine firepower and berzerk-like assaults tore the Homeworld defense forces to pieces. Once the Tears got their teeth in, they were not about to let go until they shook this Homeworld like a dead bloatrat in their jaws. The Inquisitor's training caused him to hold down his
Bolter's trigger, sending out a stream of shells into a close packed group of helmeted and
bearded Squats making a run across the opening in the rubble in front of the Inquisitor.
The Devastator's Heavy Bolters hammered the Squats who went rolling over like pins sawed
in half in an alley of Twelvepin. The crunch of Inquisitor Jervis boots on the
hardscrabble echoed in the gap. The Squats were down and fairly dead. The Inquisitor's
power blade flicked blue as he snicked an ear off each Squat. He slipped each ear onto his
beltring, thinking this has got to be the final lot on this abandonned Homeworld. He had
expected crates of ears, not just this one ring. The Inquisitor's own ears pricked and his
head went up. Static filled Comm Relay was pumped his way from the Dropship, via the
Battle Barge's huge array. He recognized the callsign of the Terran transmitter, TA-C. The
Glorious 559th Day of Ichor IV, his personal Battle Barge was piping a relay his way.
"Curious", he thought. The message came in spurts. "...Code Omega, Code
Omega, Code Omega." That was Terran Planetary alert! He tuned his receiver. More
clearly through the static now, "...Code Omega-Point Nine." Point-Nine was
emergency recall of outbound Terran regiments. "Wha...?", Inquisitor Johnson
gasped. The Comm unit spewed on, "....thousands of Squat dropships....on
Terra...Point Nine Recall..." The Devastator Lieutenant glanced curiously at the
Inquisitor, who had fallen to his knees. The Inquisitor was vomiting into his faceplate.
Divine Fury affixed yet another dripping decapitated head to his belt, and breathing heavily looked around the room. Bodies were everywhere, a couple of the sick pre-adolescants, quite a few of his prized Berzerkers, but mostly, 100s and 100s of these stinking rats. He recalled now how they had burst through that bulkhead, and the whole horde had come screaming up to them. The shooting only cut down a few, and 'hell we're always game for a fight' he grinned. It had lasted less than 10mins, but now there were only a handfull of his faithfull warriors with him. Chain-axes (oooops, sorry guys: close combat weapons) at the ready, they approached the main chamber, the aroma of cheese was overpowering. Charging at the door Fury and his retinue crashed through it, to find standing there, with all his bodyguards, Old Git himself, Adrian Wood! Fury stopped deadly still as he eyed his elderly opponent from across the room. Could this finally be an opponent worth facing? Scanning the green hordes he saw rank upon rank, and he knew now, they were more viscious in close combat, yes indeed this would be a fight! HE lifted his chain axe, and looked round at his squad, yes they were ready to roll.... As he prepared to run he heard a faint noise:
Siff comes up an e sez: "OI! yooze needz sum 'elp?"
to da slaya fella and iz matez. But da rat fingies iz kummin too fast! e sez: "OI!
deze rat fingies iz kummin to fasts!" And den e suddenly reelizez dat da bad guy iz
cheetin, and cheetaz is dumb koz dey iz. So e liftz iz evvy shoota and trize ta shoot oles
fru dem. All e reely duz iz makez a hole in da floor, and e uses it ta 'skape fru, and
sez: "OI! slaya, duz ya wanta kum an 'skape too?
Lord Atraikius was finishing up his pep speach to his men
about the horrors they would be facing, such as the mounds of cheese, the pre-adolesents,
and all of the little furry critters, when he was interupted by his communications
officer. Pull the Plug! Robert
Lord Atraikius stalked through the courtyard with his trusted
lieutenant, Lord Zor, and his pet Venom. All around him was the carnage of battle, what
could please his god more than the chaos of all the armies of 40K joining together and
attacking thier creators stronghold. As Lord Atraikius and his guard approched the blasted
entrance to the Fortress of Cheese, his ally Warlord Orkwun Grommul approched him. Pull the Plug! Robert
Siff jumpded downz da 'ole wiffowt lookin ta see hoo woz
followinn 'im. E ad jumpded downz ta da 'puter fingy. 'hmmmm, dis iz wot Robert sez ta
pull wozznt it?' he fout to 'imself. E grabbd da big wire fingy and wif a wun, wiff a too,
wiff a......um, lots!!! he pullz da plug finggie freed. A big big urty fing urt 'im.
"OUCH" e sed. "dat urt!" E lookz aroundz ta see wot da big urty fing
woz. "oh, no!" e sedz. "Oh yes!" sed da big urty fing. It woz da 'Fat
Bloke' an e ad a big big urty urty nife and fork. "help meze!" siff showtedz.
"DADADADADADA CROC IZ ERE!" sed da croc az e busted fru da floor. "Iz gunna
save ya siff!" sedz da croc az e turnded ta face da fat wun. "you will die"
sed Fat Bloke az e attakeded croc. "no, yooze will diez!" sed siff from iz hidey
place behindz croc. Da croc and da fat wun fighted for long timez, but da croc finullee
got da betta of da fat bloke. "oooooooh nooooo" sed da fat wun az e woz etten by
da croc agenz! "see siff, I saved yooze" sed da croc "we kan get to da 'ulk
dis way". "no, ya git" sed siff, "Robert sedz ta 'pull da plug fingie'
so wez'l do it!" "k" sed croc. Siff wentz ova to da plug fingie and yanked
out ov its 'ole. Nuffink append. "uhhh" sed croc. "uhhhh" sed siff.
"wez'll put it in agen and pull it outs agen!" so e did, and nuffink append.
Siff kikked da 'puter fingie. 'FFFFFFFFFZZZZZWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOWWWW' da 'puter makded funnee
soundz and startzded ta burn. "yay, weze dunz it!" sed siff and croc.
Despoiler was nearing Pirinen. The echoes of slobbering
tongues and pattering feet could be heard. Yes, Despoiler once again pulled his trump card
from his ammobelt, and the lure of the warp cheese became ever greater for Pirinen. Since
leaving the... "massage parlour" he had been reunited with his Black
Legionnaires and his Word Bearers. They waited for Pirinen. Sure enough, he appeared round
the corner in front of them, slavering like a zombie. "CHEESE!" he cried as he
charged Despoiler. Despoiler grabbed him and stuffed in a soundproof bag, (lest the
annoying vocal tones annoy Despoiler and his men!) and held it up high for all to see. A
great cheer arose from Despoilers forces. Meanwhile, Jervis was watching the outside battle.
"Damn", he thought. "Even our tasteless entertainers are failing in their
mission." he beckoned to a servant. "Now that we have lost Pirinen to Despoiler,
there is only one thing we can do. However, it is sufficiently evil and, dare I say it,
diabolical to overthrow even these the most stubborn of foes." The servant looked
nervous already. "Surely not them, Jervis?"
AND THEN: Outa 'is 'ulk speekas, siff started playin da
bestest metal 'e kood find, Pantera, Metallica, Faith No more, Korn and Manson woz dere
wif dere mates Pearl Jam, Nirvana (-1), an sum serious grungies. (the black metal bands
have been left to Beth & thanos:) Da spice marines ad add enuff, and deyz sed
"OI, W-A-N-N-A-B-E" and siff sedz : "H-A-S B-E-E-N-S, N-E-V-E-R W-O-Z
B-E-E-N-S" And deyz rund awayz, leevin da faggoty humie bandz ta do wot slannesh
likez lotz ta each uvver. Den e sez: "Oi me 'ulk iz gettin shotz" an iz ulk iz
gettin shotz. So e goze "weze gotta gets sum sheeldz on dis fingie" and iz mek
goez "Yup boss we duz" and den da ulk gets 'it an it krashes into da umie place
kalled Nott-in-hamz, were da battle iz bein fited. an e stepz out an sez "OI! yoo
lot, deze umies iz winnin!, but siff iz ere now, so twill b 'k" An e gets iz shoota
redde an e shootz da gitz lots goodz an itz a ded good shoota, so e sez "dis iz a ded
good shoota". and da mek sez "yup". so siff joinzez da fite and e wunderz
'OI! wot happendz ta me smashin da 'puter fingy by pullin da plug fingie???'
All: Brother Captain Eivan eyed the Wytches from afar. He
must have them. Surely a thousand years of service to the Emporer deserved as much. "
Lord Navigator. Press the most holy icons and transport the Wytchlings to my
chambers!"Eivan bellowed. "Now that my desire are satiated on with the
battle!" Orks? Why are the Orks here he pondered? No time for thoughts. Just for
retribution. "Loed Navigator Ismuth, lock on our coordinates and transport us back
the the Sword of Sanguinis."Eivan demanded. "What is the situation at hand
Navigator?" The Emporer's eye betrays all Brother Captain. The "YELLOW"
icon represents Inquisitor Jervis's escape route. Shall I brinhg the Swoed around to
bear?"asked the Navigator. "Good god man, by all means, lay in a course and
bring the Emporer's wrath upon the foul Jervis!!"
Da Orkses woz just abowt ta get dem "wychees" wen
deyz dissapeerd. "OI! wots goin on!?" sed siff. "da 'ulk iz fixed" sed
da mek. Siff lookeded to da sky, e seed de Sord ov da red guy, an e sed "OI! i seez
da sord ov da red guy, dats were da wychees wentz, ta go an see da shag man. weez got ta
get dem bak" and da orkses tried ta get da ulk up in da air, but da mek woz a git an
it dint workz."OI! yer a git" sed siff. Siff seed a funderawk gunzhip an e fout
to steel itz from da umies. "OI! weez kan steel da funderawk an get a noo ulk, an den
weez kan kill da GW fellas and getz us sum wytchees" so dey didz. Da noo ulk woz
"borrad" from da git oo as lotz ov lizards, eez name woz nikk. It woz ded killy
but woz kuvved in lizad writtin an stuff. "OI! sed siff, weez gotta katch dam GW gita
an get us sum wytchees" sed siff. "yup" sed da mek. Deyz went ta da
"kontrol room-speshul orkses onlee" and deyz foundz a funee site dere, twoz
croc, eatin da last ov da froggy gitz, and da croc sedz: " hey, siff, weez gotta getz
us sum ov dose wytchees". "yeh, we doo, an da onlee wyz ta get dem iz ta kill da
GW gitz.". "yup" sed da mek. Dayz floo off afta doze GW gitz and da Sord ov
da red guy to sayz "hi" to da shag man and sayz "givv us sum wytchees
too!"..........
Pirinen looked up from his computer terminal, trying to see
the shadow that had caught just the edge of his eye, but he saw nothing. He returned to
writing his latest CHE-, um, army book. Once again he saw what he thought was movement,
and he looked up. Standing in the corner was a figure dressed in black, holding a strange
crystalline weapon. Pirinen said to the figure "You cannot hurt me! Neural Shredders
don't exist! I have no fear of you! You are just a creation of Rick's Feeble Mind! We have
written you out of the universe, along with those lowly Squats and those vile Slimy Frogs,
the Slann!" Deth raised his weapon and fired. The tearing of paper was heard loudly
throughout the office, and Deth spoke. "Tuomas, you were just a Paper Tiger! And my
weapon is a Paper Shredder! Once again, you have underestimated the power of the Gamer
Side of the Equation!" As Deth turned and walked away, all that was left of Commissar
Pirinen was the smell of Burnt Limburger! "That will show the GW Imperium they cannot
do away with the Judges that easily! Judge Deth to Chief Judge Dredd, Judgement has been
rendered. I move on to my next case, the perp called Johnson, aka Jervis! I trust your
mission to pass Judgement on the perps Chambers and Priestly will be as successful!
Mega-City 1 Shall Return!!!! Deth Out."
ENDGAME Tha surface battle had degenerated into a bloody squabble. Ork fell upon human, marine blasted chaos and chaos devoured squat. If the fight was for cheese, beer, witch elves, fun or Thanos stash of dirty pictures, mattered not. Chaos it still was. The air, filled with an unholy blend of diaper-pop, grunge rock and death metal, seemed to groan loudly in pain. Chaos had come to Nottingham at last. With a smile on his lips the Dark One approached his fellow chaos commanders. The Despoiler, with an unusual air of ... happines around him and Thanos wistfully looking back towards the compund. Daedlar was nowhere to be seen. "So ... fellow warlords. Does thee feel that thee has acieved our objective?" The Despoiler shook the squirming sack. "I have what I came for!" he bellowed. Thanos, looked back at the fray "Why don´t we just..." The Dark One interrupted him. "You ... you have corrupted countless pre-teens, had your way with their parents, sown the seeds of lechery in the ranks of the Blood Angels, destroyed the love of Lord Johnsson and you are still not satisfied?" Thanos shrugged and caressed his lightning claw. "Nah, thats the fun thing about me, I never am! I wouldn't mind a taste or two more of those wyches". The Dark One raised a hand of warning "Those ... wyches, as you call them, were lent to me by Lord Dan Witchlover. I strongly suggest that you put any thought of them out of your mind. Lord Dan is not known for his forgiving temper". Thanos just smiled broadly "Good thing that we live in two different universe then!" he laughed. With a dramatic bow towards his black clad brethren he whirled around, aiming towards the most heated part of the fray. Thanos of Titan strode through the battlefield, witch elves and corruption in his wake. The Despoiler angrily shook the sack. A whimper could be heard from the inside, "Is he always like that?" he snarled. "Is there no way to reason with that man?" The dark One shook his head . "No ... I don't think there is" sighed "Thanos will always be Thanos. So .. brother, shall we pull back now, before the reinforcements arrive?" "Reinforcements!" the Despoiler spat "What reinforcements could they possibly have left." The Dark One smiled, careful not to let the furious warlord see it. "Suresly you know that Lord Jervis is but a pawn of the Elder Investors, brother? This chaos could be enough to wake them from their aeon old sleep." The Despoiler froze "The Elder Investors... Bah, I have my prize and I leave now to toy with it for eternity! Pirinen shall at last know fear!" With that, the massiver terminator armoured Lord left towards his waiting barge, his surviving troops falling in behind him. Tha Dark One took one last long look upon the battlefield. He too had acieved his objective. Chaos hade spread to yet another planet, forcing the inhabitants to think for themselves. Bereft of Lord Johnssons leadership and without their hero Pirinen the surviving pre-teeens already had started to ... change. Some stood clustered around the speakers, intensly listening to the gringe and death that oozed forth. Some could be seen digging in the forbidden paint sets unearthed by the vicious battle. Dark, drab, natural colors, previously unheard of changed hands as they discarded the pastel ones they once held so dear. Some, both parent and pre-teen, were looking curiously to the path of Slaanesh, nervously blushing at the smile of Thanos daemonettes. Most importantly, several of them had started building a large pyre upon which they threw large chunks of cheese, letting it slowly melt into a harmless soggy brownish mass. The Dark One smiled. Once again things had moved according to plan. Even though it had been the closest call yet. With a final chuckle he activated his teleporter and was gone. The end (for now)
Outside of the fortress of uneatable cheese, the battle
raged. Although the Spice Girls had been taken care of, the Backstreet boys were causing
extreme casualties. With Pirinen in the bag (sic), Despoilers men set after Jervis and his
chronies. They had a good idea where they were. Despoilers part ends here, as he climbs aboard a ship to take
him and his men to the Black Legion battlebarge.
After having his way with those scruptious Wytches, Captain
Eivan started the ritual of putting on the sacred shield of the Emporer. After the rites
of doning were complete Eivan ran a systems check on his power armour. All systems checked
good. Off to the Tech Adepts to see if they had deciphered the magic box. The Adepts had
no luck. They will succeed. Failure is not tolerable, he spoke to himself. His anger
reached it's peak. No battle to join. How would he vent his growing rage!? He was overcome
with a calming as he realised what would sooth his displeasure. The holy ointments had
been applied, prayers said, icons checked. With a twist of his wrist he was off. Nothing
soothes the savage beast more than being on a bike he thought. His head was clearing when
the claxons in his comm link erupted"Black ice ahead! Speed to fast. Imminent
collison!". His back wheel slide out. He tried to countersteer. No use. Over the
hills and through the woods he went finally coming to rest on the other side of a large
group of trees. "Surely the work of the evil Inquisitor Johnson!"he bellowed.
"Damn his cheese. I will exact a toll upon thee servant of Velveeta!". his voice
echoing through the canyon.
The Participants (aka The Usual Suspects)
|