Da Master Plan

By Richard Walter
(For Erik Setzer, Thomas Setzer, Christopher Smith, Dan, H.B.M.C, Scott and Jason Hill)

The sky blinked white a second time as yet another Krak missile detonated prematurely, grand Ork Warlord Kaptin Gavrin growled with rage.

“Madaka, you stoopid git! Da lazer-guyded Krak Missilez are ‘sposed to ‘it da targetz, not miss dem! I shoulda listened to Bardrak. He’z alwayz right.”

Bardrak, the Ork Mekaniak poked his head out from underneath a ruined war-buggy and looked at the Ork Warlord inquisitively.

“Did ‘ya wont sumthing boss?” he said cheerfully. Without waiting for a reply, Bardrak got back to work, hammering and clanking at the underbelly of the still running buggy.

The sky whizzed as yet another Krak missile streaked towards the Space Marine battle-line, this time it struck the target.

KAABBOOOOOMMM!

The ground shook violently before sending up a shower of Space Marine bodies, moments later they came smashing back down to the floor with a huge force. The Ork’s laughed and cheered. The remaining Marines replied with a barrage of Bolter fire that killed twenty-three Orks. Torn apart by the sudden ferocity of the Imperiums finest they fell back.

Kaptin Gavrin scowled at the dead Orks, then turned towards a small makeshift tent.

“Makagash,” Kaptin Gavrin waited for a few seconds, “MAKAGASH YOU STOOPID GIT, C’MERE NOW!!!”

“Wot? Wot iz it? Wot darez to disturb my wurk? Who iz dis?” barked Makagash angrily as he poked his head out of the tent.

“Take yer boyz ‘an sort out dem weak ‘umans.” Scowled Kaptin Gavrin

The air cracked again as a shell struck towards the Ork line. Everyone except Kaptin Gavrin ducked for cover. This enraged the hardy Ork boss.

Phwwwwooooom!

Kaptin Gavrin blinked angrily as the missile landed scant meters away from him, sending huge showers of mud and debris high into the air.

KAAAABBBOOOOMMMMM!

“Makagash! Go ‘an do it……..NOW!”

“But boss, dere iz lotz of ‘em….’an do you noo who else iz dere?”

Kaptin Gavrin shook his head angrily; rage was evident on the Orks face.

“It’z ‘im, da one, da mad one, da Sniper.”

Kaptin Gavrin’s face contorted into a look of pure surprise, it took him minutes before he could ask the next question.

“’Im? Ee’s ‘ere? Bruvver Sniper iz ‘ere?”

Makagash nodded at the Ork Warlord.

Moment’s later, Kaptin Gavrins face twisted into a hideous smile as he sent surly looks towards the Imperial lines.  Makagash suddenly became worried.

“If we move’z da dreadz to ‘da right flank ‘den da marines will be at beaten’ from da sidez, an’ no amount of fancy shootin’ will be able ta stop ‘da boyz!” Offered Makagash, now growing excited at the prospect of carnage.

“Yer, dis day will go dahn in ‘istory az da day wen Kaptin Gavrin ‘an ‘iz boyz gave ‘da Sniper a kickin’. Dis ‘iz da Master Plan!” Replied Kaptin Gavrin, realising what the Ork Nob was implying.

“Gaver ‘da ladz, ‘nkluding Borgart’z boyz, we’z gonna show dem ‘umans jus’ ‘ow ‘ard we iz. WAAAAAAAAGGHHH!”

* * *

From the Imperial lines, Captain Alevius of the Black Templars stared out towards the Ork mass, he growled with fury.

“Look at them! The vile hordes of green spewing forth like a pestilent sea, it makes me want to vomit. How long until we’re out of this godforsaken hell-hole?”

“Radios are down sir. No way of telling when the Emperor sends hope.”

A loud klaxon shattered the sound of shouting. The Ork dreadnoughts were charging the right flank of the Imperial lines.

“What? What is this devilry? The Orks showing tactical genius? NEVER!”

The klaxon sent shock waves of anticipation through Alevius’ body as he barked orders at his men.

“Devastators fire! Bring them the swift death of the Emperors fury!”

The air shrieked and roared as the heavy weapons were let loose on the Ork dreadnoughts.

Two Ork machines exploded outright, another three stood upright, yet still managed to fire of their weapons. As with all Ork charges, some had to get through.

Twelve of the mechanical robots fired through the weak defences and started to cause havoc to the Imperial lines. Stomping and shooting, they sent a bloody swathe through the Imperiums finest.

Following the Dreadnoughts was Borgart and his boys. All running and shooting off their weapons into the Imperial lines.

The cold, long barrel of a rifle glinted dimly in the barren foliage. Waiting patiently, Sniper loaded his weapon with a magazine marked "Armageddon". Something up ahead caught his attention. From the safety of the bushes, he swung his rifle around automatically and narrowed his eyes into the thousand-yard squint that had killed so many. Sniper smiled as he observed the running Orks through his scope.

He paused to fall into rhythm and asked himself why the Orks were here.

There was an illumination for a brief second as the bullet streaked towards its target with a suppressed hiss of air. An Ork to the rear of the mass flew back wildly; a single shot wound to the head marked the kill. Already the assassin’s aim was on the second Ork in the mass, which was now frantically trying to find where the shot came from. The Sniper fired again. The Ork fell. A shot wound in the back marked the exit point of the bullet. Vital organs erupted from the hole.

The sniper took his final shot at a distant dreadnought. The bullet ricocheted of the hull into a third Ork, killing it instantly, the bullet then bounced of a wall and struck the fourth Ork in the head, the force was so great that it was almost torn off. Since there was no way Borgart was going to take on Sniper all by himself, the Ork Boss turned around and ran for his life.

The Execution had taken just 3.5 seconds.

Taking his knife, Sniper scratched on another four kill marks on his rifle.

Looking through his scope, Sniper laughed as the Orks ran back as fast as they could to the remaining lads. When they arrived, Kaptin Gavrin was not best pleased.

“Ah ha ha ha haaa! Go ahead and run! Run ahead and cry to your warlord you feeble fools! You Orks are all the same. You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?! My dear friends, I think not!”

Turning to Alevius, Sniper winked and gave the Imperial Commander an obscene gesture of a shaking hand.

“The lot of ‘em!”

* * *

“Wot in Morkz name doez ya call dat?” Roared Kaptin Gavrin with furious anger as he applied his boot to the rear of a Gretchin orderly.

“But boss, I did tell ya ‘bout ‘im din’t I? Sniper got sum of da ladz!” Borgart moaned.

"Right! Datz it! 'ee'z a dead Sniper now! 'ave we got any Blood Axe Snypa'z around 'ere?"

"No boss, we 'aint! Da last wun woz shot! 'member dat?"

"Oh yeah, dat pesky Sniper again! I'm gonna sort 'im out good!"

Turning to face his boys, Kaptin Gavrin gave the bold order.

"CHHHHEEEEAAAARRRRRGGGGGEEEE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH! WAAAAAAGGGHHH ORKS!"

The battlefield resounded with Kapting Gavrins brave statement. Every Ork present threw back his head and roared the WAAGGH! They then made for the Imperial lines with great speed.

"Ready for wun ‘ell of a kicking Sniper! Dis time, itz gonna be difrunt!"

Kaptin Gavrin ran with his boys to the Imperial line with great speed. Rage surged him forwards. A cascade of fire erupted from the Marine lines. Some fell, but there was just too many Orks. It was inevitable that they would get through.

“DRAW KNIVES!” Roared Alevius to his men, already dreading the prospect of close combat with the Orks.

WOO-OOM, WOO-OOM, WOO-OOM – KERCHING – DAKKA, DAKKA, DAKKA, DAKKA, DAKKA – KERCHING –DAKKA, DAKKA, DAKKA!

The Imperial Dreadnought “Anduriel” released a fine spray of assault-cannon fire into the swirling masses. Many Orks fell, but still, not enough.

As he neared the lines, Kaptin Gavrin roared to his ladz.

“Cum on ladz! We’ez almost dere now, all’z we got ta do is cross dis bush-OOOOOFFFF!”

A force struck Kaptin Gavrin similar to that of a speeding train. Every vehicle imaginable had hit him, yet he always remained standing. This time, the Ork Warlord fell to the floor. The hardy Ork fell to the ground with a shattering force. Something heavy landed on top of him.

“UUURRRGGGHHH! Wot in Gorkz name – SNIPER!”

“That’s right Ork wretch. You remember me. I almost got killed for busting your tin-can of a hulk.”

“It woz not my fault!”
“Was.”
“Woz not.”
“Was.”
“Woz not.”
“Was.”
“Woz not.”

The Imperial soldier dressed in woodland camouflaged stood up and glared at the Ork with savage intent. Before reaching into his bag and producing a flask of Valhallan-Vodka. Between sips, Sniper interrogated Kaptin Gavrin.

“So, what are you doing here?”
“Ummmm, we’ez crazhed da ‘ulk an’ ‘eard dat you woz ‘ere. So we’z finking about givin’ you a - ”

“Stomping?” Kaptin Gavrin nodded his head. “I’m not surprised the hulk crashed. It was a pile of junk anyway.”

“I oughta give ya a tazte of my boot levva’”
“Go ahead and try it.”
“Ummm, Maybez later. Why iz you ‘ere Sniper?”
“To destroy the weak forces of evil.”
“Iz dat dem Chaos?”
“Yes green-skinned one. They are already marching to their doom.”
“Who? Da Black Templarz?”
“NO! The Emperor’s forces are mighty. The hordes of Chaos are doomed!”
“Ohhh. Den your gonna give da Chaos a kickin’!”
“Yes my green-clad brother. Anyway, are you with the heretics? I sincerely hope not.”
“Da ‘ulk crashed, an’ we woz bored coz we ran out of squig-beer. Dats why we iz fighting. We din’t know about da chaos.”

Shouting louder, Kaptin Gavrin roared to his fellow Orks.

“BOYZ…BOYZ DATZ ENOUGH! YOU CAN STOP IT NOW!”

Sniper turned to face his fellow soldiers.

“MEN, THE EMPEROR’S DUTY DOES NOT REQUIRE US TO FIGHT THE ORKS! LEAVE THEM BE!”

The battlefield was still. Ork and Marine stared at each other with fury.

“Look at dis,” Kaptin Gavrin shouted as he shook Snipers hands. “We iz all matez!”

The Orks and Marines looked surprised but shook each other’s hands and cheered all the same.

“Ow about it Sniper, do you wont sum ‘elp giving dem Chaos a levvering?”
“Mate, I’d thought you’d never ask.”
“Oh Sniper…”
“Yeah.”
“Giz a swig of dat vodka”
“Easy tiger…”

As Sniper handed the Ork lord the bottle, Kaptin Gavrin could not help but notice the distinct grin on the snipers face. Thinking nothing of it, Kaptin Gavrin downed the entire bottle in one. Then promptly fell over in a drunken stupor.

“Urrrrgggh! Wotz in dat?”
“Its Valhallan. Why? A little too strong?”
“Yerr. I fink I’m gonna be sick….UUURRRRGGGGHH!!”

Sniper scowled at the pile of vomit that sprayed on to the floor, reaching into his pocket, Sniper began to roll a Catachan Nicomoss Cigarette. Hunching his back to light it, Sniper spoke to the Ork lord.

“Don’t even ask for one of these Ork. It’ll kill you.”
“OOOFFF! D..Den why iz you ‘aving it? OOOOAARRGGGHH!”
“Because I’m hard.”
“UUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHH!”
“So then Ork, what have you been up to recently? Not drinking obviously.”
“I’ve been berying da ladz.”

“Burying your brethren? How noble for one so green. Why were you burying them? I heard no-one could kill your boys.”

“Nah, dey iz ‘ard. Den again, it woz YOU dat killed my boyz….UURRGGH!”
“Me? Oh my, such an honour! Wait! This wasn’t over the bra incident was it?”
“…”
“Answer me Ork!”
“Yeah, it woz. Stoopid really.” Mutered Kaptin Gavrin sadly.
“It sure was. Then again, I did need the practice. How many kills were confirmed?”
“965,676,654,646,767,676.”
“Really?”
“Yerr…”
“That few! I am loosing my touch!”
“Wotch it Sniper…We iz matez, but I’ll still give ya a kickin’”
“Easy tiger…”
“Sniper?”
“Yeah…”

“Don’t ya fink dis story iz getting a bit long?”

“Yes I do. Nevertheless, as luck would have it, the forces of Chaos are here…look at them! Oh how I want to kill, maim and bur- Shit! Do I sound like a heretic? Using Kharne’s saying like that?”

“Yerr ‘An ‘ee ‘eard you say it…look ‘ee’s coming dahn ‘ere from of dat pile of dead marinez….Sniper?”

Fury was in the eyes of Sniper as his eyes cast down upon his fallen brothers. Throwing back his precious rifle around his shoulder, he roared a challenge to the warrior of Khorne.

“DOG! I WILL AVENGE MY BROTHERS BY WHUPPING YOUR ASS! ARE YOU READY TO FALL TO MY BLADE!”

“SHIT! IT IS THAT CRAZY BASTARD SNIPER! MOREOVER, HE IS NOT EVEN ONE OF US. I AM GOING TO LEAVE THIS PLACE OF MANIACLE CARNAGE PROMPTLY. SOD THE KILLING, AND THE MAIMING, AND THE BURNING.”

Kharne stayed on top of the pile of bodies as he witnessed Sniper striding up to him. Seeing bloody fury in his eyes, Kharne tried to calm the Emperors chosen down.

“Easy tiger - Shit! Do I sound like an Imperial? Using Sniper’s saying like that?”

“Yerr ‘An ‘ee ‘eard you say it…look ‘ee’s coming up … Kharne?” Chipped in Kaptin Gavrin.

Not waiting to find out just how furious the Emperors rage really was, Kharne turned towards his fellow minions and ran off…very fast.

“The Emperors judgement is strong and so is my fury!” Howled Sniper as he chucked the empty Vodka bottle towards Kharne.

“I ‘ate it wen ya go all biblikal on me, Sniper.”

THUD! CRASH!

“’Ey Sniper, great lob mate.”

“Well, you’ve got to try haven’t you…just for a laugh?”

Pointing at Sniper, Kharne shouted to his men.

“SNIPER! IT’S SNIPER! THE MENTAL ONE OUR LORD KHORNE WARNED US ABOUT…LEG IT!”

The battlefield roared as the forces of Chaos withdrew. Sniper had single handedly defeated the entire chapter of Khorne Berzerkers. Thanks to his furious rage, and his bottle of Vodka.

Sniper heard Kharne mutter something that he will always remember.

“OW! Horus’ blood! Sniper is madder than all of us Berzerkers put together! Maybe I should leave Khorne, go, and fight side by side with the Emperor. It’ll certainly spare me the rage of Sniper and I think those Imperials are quite cool – OOOOWWWW!”

A thunderbolt stormed from the sky and struck Kharne full on. His body shook and jolted as the daemon bolt attacked him. The Berzerker was flung backwards with the force.

“Shit! I forgot, lord Khorne can always hear what I think.”

Sniper looked at Kharne as he tried desperately not to think of any horrible thoughts towards his lord. The Emperors chosen laughed as beads of sweat appeared on Kharnes forehead as he clenched his weapons tight.

“Khorne is a joke! He is really an oversized snotling!” Whispered Sniper in Kharnes ear.

PPPHHWWWWWOOOOMM! BANG!

“AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!”

“HA HA HA HAAAA!”

Kaptin Gavrin looked at the quivering Sniper.

“Eezee Tiga…”

“Shit! That bolt of lighting hurt!” Screamed Sniper.

Kharne sped off into the distance. Vowing to meet Sniper again soon. Not on the battlefield, but a pub of all places.

The chaos of forces had been routed, thanks to the unholy alliance of Sniper and Kaptin Gavrin. Turning to face their own troops, both Sniper and Kaptin Gavrin realized they were the only two standing. The others fell asleep with exhaustion; even Andurial was motionless.

“I’m gonna git sum of dat Valhallan Vodka, it’z great for fighting. Do ya fancee a trip to da eye of terror soon?”

“Easy tiger…”

“Prazye da Emperor!”

And so the story ends with both Sniper and Kaptin Gavrin staring at the sky, wondering of their conquests to come. Will they become friends, or foes? Whom will they destroy? How many more times will Kaptin Gavrin get drunk? And what trouble will they get into together? My dearest of friends, only the Emperors tarot will tell.