And The Ecclesiarchal Library
by Erik Setzer
Inquisitor Bob decided to take a look through the Ecclesiarhy's books to find some information on Heretics. He figured he may need some help getting into the Ecclesiarchy's Library, so he brought his favourite Grey Knight squad, which was made up of five of his closest Grey Knight friends: Roy, Bill, Harry, Jay, and Pat.
Bob and the Grey Knghts walked casually up the one hundred eighty nine steps that led up to the door of the Library. As Bob was about to open the door, Jay stopped him.
"Remember, Inquisitor Bob, 'tis always better to knock first,"Jay said.
"OK," Bob replied with a casual shrug. He raised his power fist high in the air, and then knocked on the Ecclesiarchal Library's door. The sound of metal hitting metal caused bob to smile. After a few minutes, though, he got mildly annoyed at the door not having been opened for him, and he turned to stare at a distant statue of Leman Russ.
Suddenly the door to the library opened, and a high-pitched scream of terror filled the air as the Preacher now standing in the door saw the power fist descending upon his head. Bob quickly put his power fist down by his side.
After the Preacher regained his composure and straightened his robes, he asked in a very serious tone, "What is it thou wants from the Library of the Ecclesiarchy?"
"I'd like to take a look at some of your books on Heretics," Bob replied. "I'm doing some research on them."
"I'm sorry, Inquisitor..." The Preacher glanced at Bob's nametag. "...Bob, but you'll have to take your Grey Knight squad and go somewhere else."
"But-..." Bob was cut off as the Preacher shut the door in his face.
"Hmmph," Roy said, "he wasn't very polite."
"Boys," Bob said, "open the door."
"It's locked, Bob," Bill said.
"Yes. Open the door," Bob said with an evil grin on his face.
The five Grey Knights lowered their Force Halberds and pointed them at the door to the Library. All at once, the five Grey Knights fired blasts of psychic energy, eradicating the door from existence.
"Better," Bob said, with a tone of approval in his voice. He gestured to the squad and marched into the Ecclesiarchal Library, the five Grey Knights following right behind him.
Just inside, not five meters from where the door used to be, stood the Preacher, staring and gawking at the hole. Inquisitor Bob walked over to the Preacher and looker at him disapprovingly. "You really shouldn't stand there with your mouth hanging open, it's quite awkward to look at."
The Preacher just continued to stare at the hole where the door used to be, almost hypnotized. Bob shrugged and then walked past him, toward the main part of the Library.
Bob mardhed into the "Mainus Librarius" (obviously the Main Library) and started to look on the shelves.
He picked up a book and looked at its title. "Deathwing... Nope." He tossed the book over his shoulder behind him. He picked up the next book. "Inquisitor... Nope." Again he tossed the book over his shoulder. He looked through the next several books, doing the same with each.
"Krokidil Tears... Nope."
"The Amethyst Wizard of Oz... Nope."
"Sculpting Chocolate Orks?!? Nope!"
"Rogue Trader... Nope."
"Alice in Wonderland? Nope!"
A Preacher ran into the room, shouting at Bob. "No! Stop!" Bob kept going on, tossing the useless books behind him. "You can't do thaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!" the Preacher screamed as he slipped on a copy of "Cooking with Roboute Gulliman." The book flew into the air as the Preacher fell and landed hard on his back, and the book landed spine first on the Preacher's face, knocking him out.
Two more Preachers rushed into the Library, meeting similar fates as they got hit in the face by flying copies of "Rogal Dorn's 'I Had a Dream...' " and "1001 Fun Things To Do With a Space Marine Helmet."
Finally Inquisitor Bob came to the book he was looking for. "Ahh... 'Everything You Didn't Want To Know About Heretics and Daemons.' This should no." He turned around to leave the Ecclesiarchal Library.
As he was walking out, Bob noticed the copy of "Cooking with Roboute Gulliman" laying on the Preacher's face. "Hey, thanks for finding this," he said. "My wife's been looking for a copy of it."
Inquisitor Bob walked out of the Ecclesiarchal Library, both of the books safely in his equipment puch. He gestured to the squad of Grey Knights to follow.
"Come, gentlemen," he said. "We must prepare for tomorrow night."
"Why, Bob?" asked Harry. "What are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"The same thing we do every night, Harry. Try to take over the Warp!"