A Bad Day

"Ladz, blo dat stinkin' planit ter peezes!"

"Ok, Bozz."

"But make sur ter bring dat git cald 'Snipa' to me ALIVE!"

"Er, Bozz?"

"Yah?!?"

"'Ow we do dat?"

"JUZ DO IT!"

"But Bozz, how'z yu do dat? When yu'z shootz 'em, dey diez!"

"Real simple, 'ere... Yer juzt blo'z up everfing BUT da' Git. GOT IT!!!!!"

"Ok'z, Bozz, we'z blo'z up everfing elze an'z we'z juzt shootz da Snipa' git? Raht, Bozz?"

"No, no, no! ALIVE, ALIVE! I wan' dat Snipa' ALIVE! GRRRRRR..... Duz I 'av ter do dis mahself?"

"Ok'z, we'z triez... We'z juzt shoots him a lil' bit..."

"No, no, NO! Don' shoot da' Snipa!" (Deep trance, eyes glazed over...) "Duz, er duz not, der iz no triez..."

"If we'z not shootz 'im, an' we'z not blo'z 'im up, duz dat meanz you'z juzt wantz uz to chop 'im up a lil' bit?"

(Muttering incomprehensibly, and wielding axe menacingly.) "No, ya' Skumboz!" (Goes around choppin' up all da' Bridge gitz, leaves one alive.) "Yer duz DAT ter all 'iz matez, den yer duz DIZ ter 'im!" (Smacks last bridge crew member with flat side of axe.) "GOT IT!!!!!"

"Oi! I'z gotz it... I'z juzt purvelize 'im..."

"URGH!!!!!" (Screaming in uncontrollable fit of rage.) "If ya'z gotz ter do sumfing, ya'z gotz ter do it yerself!" (Grabs favorite Shoota, "Da' Big Gun", and starts walkin' toward Orky shuttle (incidentally known as an "unmaneuverable Escape Pod" thing to da' 'umiez)...)

As the escape pod launches, he hears "But Bozz, Bozz, we'z fergot ter plug der 'ole in it!"

In the escape pod, one lonely Ork Warlord shudders, slightly from the cold, but mainly at the unbearable rage felt at that last little crew member... "When I'z getz bak, I'z givin' dat skumbo a raiz - right up mah axe blade!!!!! HUR HUR HUR!!!"

"Bot Bozz," over the intercom comes, "Der'z no air in der! Bozz? Bozz? Duz yerz 'earz me Bozz?"

(Thinking of incromprehensible muttering, but too busy holding his breath, and cursing silently while thudding the escape pod door furiously and shaking fist at ship. Then the pod shudders, the door pops open, depositing one out-of-breath Ork in the middle of a desert at the feet of a Sniper with an odd smirk on his face...) "Erm.... Truze???"

"I'z da' Warlord now! Diz mah 'ulk now! Bye!"

"Giv yer a dime if yerz shootz down dat' 'ulk, mate?" The Sniper looked at (ex?) Warlord KG, menace in his eyes. Then his eyes lightened, he smiled, and said, "Bet I can make that shot!"

"OK, 'ow much?"

"Uh... Million Impcreds?"

"OK! OK! Yeah, yeah!"

The Sniper lifted his rifle, fired, hit the 'ulk's gas can, and the 'ulk let out a mighty "puf!".

"Puff?!? PUFF?!? Wut 'appened?!?!?!?"

"Erm, this is a rifle, ya' know, and, uh... Put down the axe mate..."

"Get me mah 'ulk!"

"Uh, uh... Brother Sniper calling Imp reinforcements! HEEEEELLLP!!!! GET THAT.... er, ULK!"

*Ulk?*

"Yeah, that, er, ulk!"

*Uh, okay. Coordinates?*

"Gimme dat!" (KG grabs comm unit.) "Shoot down mah 'ulk or elze I'll cum up der an' getz yer!"

*Uh, 'your' 'ulk'? You want me to shoot YOU down?!?*

"Yez, yez... NO! I mean, shoot mah Ulk down!!!"

(On the Imp Cruiser Castigator, the main weapons operator looks at his second in command.) "What's an... 'ulk'?"

(The second in command shrugs.) "Dunno." "Oh well, guess we'll just have to blast the whole planet then."

As the Ork... erm, 'ulk' "Big Lugga" flies away, a very scared Ork and Imperial Sniper try to find shelter as turbolaser shots pour down around them, liquifying the sand.

"I'z'll get dat skumbo!" KG shouts to the sky, then decides that discretion IS the better part of valour as a turbolaser blast singes his boot levva', and runs to hide with Sniper.

"You caused this mess!" Sniper shouts.

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Did so!"

And so it continued on into the night, lit by the occasional flashes of the Imperial turbolasers STILL firing upon the planet. An hour after dawn, the Ork and the Sniper walked out into the desert, to find a nice shiny polished glass surface...

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