Sniper's Finest Hour

by Richard Walter (Sniper)

For Kaptin Gavrin (Erik), Ragnar (Thomas)

With a shattering explosion the Thunder-hawk crashed to the ground. The chattering jungle held its breath to see whether or not the craft would explode. The air whooshed as the hydraulic door flew up. A figure steeped out into the jungle, blinking angrily at the sun. Smoking like a devil.

“What is this shit? I’m getting sick of it!” Barked Sniper angrily as he stroked his automatic cannon.

All most as soon as Sniper uttered his curse, a lone figure strode towards him.

The posture and clothes sported by the figure instantly marked him as a follower of Chaos.

“Forgive me father. Forgive me Emperor. I know I’ve sinned with no remorse. Apocalyptic visions went through my head here today.” Sniper smiled as he brought his gun to bear or the Heretic.

“DOG OF THE EMPEROR, I HAVE COME FOR YOU!” Screeched the Heretic as he drew a wickedly curved weapon and ran for Sniper with lightning speed.

“It’s all gone bad. I feel sick! I feel numb!” Sniper said mockingly.

He saw the look of amazement on the face of the Heretic, who was now walking towards Sniper. Trying to further intimidate him.

“Heretic, the storm will come… In the name of the Emperor I’m the chosen one.” Growled Sniper as he too drew a weapon, a 13-inch small-combat blade. The two jumped for each other.

Sniper struck first, lethal blade piercing soft, unclean flesh in one swift cut. Tainted blood gushed out on to the floor. Sniper frowned in disgust. The Misbeliever cursed and howled to his gods to save him.

“Lies hide your scum. Face to face you don’t have a word to say. You got in my way heretic, now you’ll have to pay!” Spat Sniper as he pulled the trigger on his gun.

Pausing to light another cigarette up, Sniper felt an object hit his head. Reaching to pick up the item and throw it back at the unseen enemy, Sniper frowned in outrage as he saw the object.

‘VALHALLAN VODKA – 110%”

“KAPTIN GAVRIN!! C’MERE NOW!” Roared Sniper.

“Hey! Snypa! Dere iz three of ya!” Sang the swaying Ork as he stumbled towards Sniper in a drunken stupor. He was clearly intoxicated.

Sniper’s face contorted with madness. It wasn’t the fact that the Ork was drunk, but the fact that the bottle was well over three-quarters full. Sniper soon remedied that.

“So Ork, we meet again. What have you been up to since our paths last crossed?” Sniper said, with a hint of disdain.

“Me an da – HIC! Da boyz have been trying to – HIC! To find da hulk dat crashed ‘ere – HIC!”

Sniper glared with fury at the Ork.

“So, this hulk… Did you shoot it down?”

“Nah! It woz… emmm… I can’t tell ya…”

“Do you want a beating green-skin?”

“…”

“OK, how about I give you a bottle of Catachan Cidercol?”

“It was Despoiler.”

“DAMN THAT OAF!”

Sniper handed Kaptin Gavrin the bottle and the two (Or maybe 4?!) parted ways. For the time being at least.

Walking aimlessly through the plateau, Sniper heard a screech and a flurry of wings. Looking up Sniper saw a deamonic creature swooping towards him.

The demon was pretty large, with huge leathery wings and a crown on his head. Obviously the planets ruler. Sniper waited for the creature to descend.

With a crash the giant beast landed. Tiny red eyes stared with rage at the ragged looking Sniper, who just stared back. With a leering look.

“Sniper, ‘tis I reprobate!”

“Please to meet you… Reprobate.”

“Silence your vile tongue! I am Darth Ender! Ruler of this domain!”

“Make your mind up!”

“Smother that vile beast you call a mouth!”

“…”

“Good! Carry on and your death may be quick.”

Sniper burst out laughing.

“Enough! Remember I own your soul!”

“Oh not you! I’ve heard about you! You’re that crazy chaos-demon-prince wannabe aren’t you? Look mate, you can’t own my soul, it’s not possible. The Emperor is a far greater being than you, and as I am his PERSONAL assassin don’t you think he’d want it back? He’d instantly be able to take it away from you and there is nothing you can do about it! FOOL!”

Ender reeled from this verbal assault. Sniper carried on.

“Look at you. LOOK AT YOU! I can’t see you taking on a Gretchin let alone the single, most strongest being in the entire universe.”

Ender stared at Sniper with sullen rage.

“How dare you insult one such as me!” Bellowed the huge Demon. Sniper raised his middle finger at the so-called “Demon-Prince”.

Ender began to stalk towards Sniper, the ground thudding as his heavy hooves hit the ground. Sniper smiled.

“Who are you to criticise the Imperium? To judge and burn the chosen. The world will be extinct and your flesh will rot along with the damned.”

Ender ran towards Sniper, although he was big he was bloody fast thought Sniper as the Demon’s shoulder connected with the assassins chest. Flying through the air, Sniper arched round and landed on his feet.

“Ha ha! Good but not good enough!” Laughed Sniper through clenched teeth.

“I’m only just getting started miscreant!” Roared Ender, now infused with some chaotic power.

The Demon stood motionless, gazing at Sniper. Shuddering and jolting, Ender began to mutter some arcane spell.”

“You really should see a doctor about that.” Laughed Sniper as he threw a holy-grenade at Ender.

Seeing the Imperialist runes and livery on the grenade, Ender ran for cover. The grenade hovered into the air and followed him around the jungle. Ender screamed with horror – the Holy-grenade was blessed and intoned with the powerfulest scriptures in the Imperium. The blessing was carried out by the powefulest pyskers in the Imperium too.

Five minutes of screeching and whining later, the grenade exploded sending Ender scattering throughout the Galaxy. It would take centuries before the Demon prince was fully recovered. Looking at the ground, Sniper saw a small item.

Looking at it, he realised it was a spirit stone. On closer inspection he realised Ender was lying all along. It was not Snipers soul trapped in there, but the primarch of the Space Wolves – Leman Russ. However, the trapped soul was now flowing out of the stone back to the body of the lost wolf. Sniper had resurrected the mighty Russ.

“Hell, those Space Wolves will need extreme help next time I visit Fenris. I will not take their poor-hospitality lying down. No one should spend the night in the wolves den.”

Having put paid to one Chaos oaf, Sniper went in search of the others. It wasn’t long before Sniper came across his next victim. A small pre-pubescent brat surrounded by cardboard cut-outs of Witch Elves – Dan Witchlover.

Although not affiliated with the Chaos way, Dan was a small nuisance always trying to cause suffering towards Sniper. He always failed miserably.

“Ha ha! Sniper you’re a lummox who worships the idol of cheese.”

Sniper had no time for petty words. Squeezing the trigger took just two seconds, then it was over.

“What was that blockhead?” Mused Sniper as he stared down upon the remains of Dan. He’d never seen so much damage caused by a high-explosive round.

Beyond Sniper, a figure leapt out of the bushes and began to stride towards the Imperiums finest. It was a robed capricious oaf who wore a large nappy.

“Despoiler is it?”

“Correct fool of the Imperium.”

“Why did you shoot down my Gunship? Target practice perhaps?” Questioned Sniper, pointing out the fact that you’re meant to kill the crew of the gunship.

“I am not a vile animal who kills merely for pleasure like yourself, Dog!” Barked Despoiler.

“Why then? Surely you must have a -”

Despoiler broke of Sniper “It was to ensure that you would become stranded on this planet.”

“I see, so it’s the tourist problems your worried about?”

“SILENCE!” Shrieked Despoiler.

“Why is it every chaos lord I speak to yells at me and tells me to shut up?” Pondered Sniper, almost saying it to himself.

“Because you’re an insolent lout with appalling manners!” Snapped Despoiler angrily.

“I have appalling manners? What about you? Always claiming to have killed me, always claiming you and your gods won the Hershey. What fools!”

“Actually that was our plan all along; to weaken the Imperium then take it at a later date.”

“You’re a fool then, because the Imperium is stronger now. After all, I was only a master-Sniper during the Hershey, now I’m the Emperors personal guardian.”

“Close that sewer you call a mouth, you snivelling wretch -” Despoiler abruptly finished his sentence as heard a loud crashing sound coming through the trees.

The crashing was accompanied by chants and drum beats. Sniper strained to hear what was being said.

‘Beer we know? Nah! Dear Hego? Nope! ‘Ere tree slow? Aha! ‘Ere We Go!’ Sniper allowed himself a smile.

Kaptin Gavrin and his Ork boys all crashed out of the jungle foliage, obviously drunk. They started fighting among themselves when they saw Sniper and Despoiler arguing.

“HEY LOOK! IT’Z DA SNYPA! DA ONE WIV DA DRINKS! WE LUV YA SNYPA!” Howled the Ork’s with glee. Despoiler was not amused.

“Silence you green-skinned imbeciles!” Snapped Despoiler.

“Oh shit! You shouldn’t have done that. Oh man, you’re in for it now.” Informed Sniper to Despoiler, as the assassin edged away.

The Ork’s had a look of hurt on their face, much like a small child’s. This was quickly replaced with by a look of pure, unbridled fury.

“Hey! Datz not very nice!” Spat one Ork, as he got to his feet.

“LETZ GET ‘IM LADZ!” Roared Kaptin Gavrin as he drew his weapon.

Sniper backed away. There was no way he’d get a kicking on Despoilers behalf.

The Ork’s swarmed over Despoiler like a rash and proceed to batter the poor heretic. No matter how many wards or arcane items he possessed, or how strong he was. Nothing could save him from this beat-down.

After two hours the Ork’s tired of beating Despoiler and they left. Parting on good terms with Sniper, who had manage to get a few Nico-squigs for future use.

Despoiler, although badly beaten continued to verbally assault Sniper.

“Ha ha! Fool! I am not dead! I will arise once more and I will find you! You can’t hide forever - ”

Sniper squeezed his trigger a final time before heading off to collect that free ride Kaptin Gavrin had promised him in return for some more spirits. Sniper didn’t think this was such a good idea, considering that the Ork would be flying the craft at the time.

As he walked off, he turned round and stared at the clearly dead Despoiler. Middle finger raised, smoking like a devil and laughing hellishly.